How I Began To Heal

In a previous blog post I discussed the best decision I made after experiencing miscarriage. Now I wanted to shared with you the rest of our story and how I began to heal. This will be a screen shot of what things looked like for the first several months. While all of our stories are different, I want you to know as well that if you are going through miscarriage that you will heal too! Our Heavenly Father is the giver of life, He heals all our diseases, and healing is in His nature. I’m going to take you on this journey month by with me.

My husband is self employed and has to work full-time. In all honesty our relationship was very strained at that time, so when I tell you there was so much need, it’s true. I knew the Lord was holding me, but at the same time it was the loneliest. I needed to cry and be held and my husband wasn’t able to do so or handle my tears. He didn’t want to discuss anything and just tried to ignore everything for fear that he’d break down and not recover. So I remember I would hurry up and wipe away my tears so he didn’t see me cry when he was home. Unfortunately, due to the fear of crying around him and high emotions, I got to where I was unable to cry.

At about the three week point I began to turn a corner or so I thought. It felt so good to be able to cook dinner that night. A day or two later the bottom dropped out. I began experiencing so many symptoms that I’d never experienced before. My body stopped receiving nutrition, I was losing weight, My husband lost a lot of days of work caring for our son and me. I wound up right back in bed. I had multiple things going on at once.

Over the last 14 years I experienced being a military wife, separation and divorce, remarriage, a custody court battle, a new baby, driving every other weekend four hours round trip to pick up and drop off my older sons at their father’s house, my sons transitioned from homeschool to public school upon moving in with their Dad, lets just say it was a lot. When our bodies go through stress we lose minerals like crazy to cope. Miscarriage pushed my body overboard, and because I didn’t have my basics covered, even though I thought I had, my body couldn’t deal with the new trauma.

I learned how truly fearfully and wonderfully made we are when I was running on fumes and didn’t know it. I wound up with an Epstein Barr flare that then went on for many weeks. After that I began to have digestive issues that I never had. I couldn’t hardly eat anything. My body was in constant pain. This went on for 7 months until healing began to surface. Prior to the miscarriage I had amazing restorative sleep for 9 hours a night. Just as the bottom dropped out, I began to be unable to sleep more than 1-2 hours a night.

I can remember distinctly one night in February I was in the shower preparing for a wet sock treatment as I was trying to support my immune system and get some rest, I heard the Lord whisper. I was desperate for rest, feeling like a zombie each day. Though my days were at their darkest, I still believed. I began to pray as it was such a lonely time. Two scriptures immediately came into my mind to give me rest, I knew it was the Holy Spirit. The first was 2 Corinthians 12:9, “And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” The second verse was Psalm 46:10, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” Well, to be honest I’d never felt weaker in my life, so I needed all of the Lord’s grace He’d offer. As for being still that was so difficult mentally and emotionally, although even physically it was a challenge. I remember for that entire month I’d involuntarily rock back and forth or I’d sit and my my upper torso would go in circles. That was my nervous system trying to heal. One other thing I knew I could do was breathe. It was there I’d be still. I focused on my breath. I read scriptures about breath. I knew how important our breath is, and how interconnected it is to healing and being well. I diaphragmatic breathed several times throughout the day. I worked on vagal tone and calming my nervous system. If we can calm and heal the nervous system, then we can heal anything.

Over the next few months I became extremely fearful. I’d never been this low before, not in years had I felt so dreadful. I’d never experienced lack of sleep for such a long period of time. Knowing how crucial sleep is to our over all well being that created anxiety on its own.

In March as spring was nearing I was so hungry for it. The sounds of the baby animals scurrying, the birds singing, the flowers blooming again, and most of all the warmth of the sun. I began pushing myself to walk outside again. If you know me, then you know I love to be in nature, walk, and hike. Not feeling strong enough to walk or be up and about was very difficult. I knew however that movement is life. When we stop moving we shut down. There must be fluidity in tandem with rest at the right times. It scared me to walk as I didn’t know if I’d make it around the corner back home. As the early morning sun was beginning to peak out I’d join it for a brief walk before my husband would go to work. On these walks I’d cry to the Lord since I couldn’t cry at home. Finally, all these tears I had to hold in could come out. I ate outside and sat outside even when it was cold, I’d wrap up in a blanket, just to be outdoors. I wanted to see the trees and hear the birds sing. I wanted the sun in my face. I prayed for sunny days.

In April when the digestive issues had reached an all time high, and old disordered eating patterns from my teens began to haunt me, I heard the Lord again. This time I heard, “Keep it simple, just eat, nourish.” I dropped all of the natural medicines, supplements, essential oils, and I just ate. I took all of the labels off and just began to slowly eat what felt good. I journaled my foods, what tasted good to me, what felt good, and what didn’t. I used chronometer to make sure I was eating enough, I began to make sure there was enough protein. I ate within the first 30-60 minutes of waking. I had so much food fear to break through. Years of coming from an anorexic background which faded later into orthorexia had all bubbled up to the surface. It was natural to deprive my body of nutrients. I’d covered this up by telling myself for so long that what I was doing was healthy. I prayed against every evil weapon of the enemy of my soul. I was getting so thin, I remember looking into the mirror and thinking how much more life, vibrancy, and good health mattered over how I looked in the mirror. There was a time when being thin was everything to me. This doesn’t mean that I don’t still struggle with body image, but there’s a much healthier perspective now. I’d be lying if I said thoughts don’t creep up.

Romans 12:12 says, we are to be “rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer,” and this is where I am resolute to remain. I’ll end this here, but it’s not the end of the story. I will continue the series with how things progressed and the steps I took to progress through healing.

If you are going through miscarriage currently as you read this or you need healing due to a prior miscarriage, please send us an email so we can be praying for you, and let us know if you’d like to receive a prayer call where we’d schedule a time to pray together.
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